How Do I Protect You From Yourself

Hi Lovelies! I know, I know. It's been a while. Have you missed me? Because I've missed you. Anyways, lately we've been doing better with our sleeping issues and some of the upsetting behavior has started to diminish. As the dust clears from all of these things, there is one thing that troubles me.

It's the self injurious behavior. While the other tantrum throwing behavior is lessening-- The heel pounding, the closet door slamming-- this other behavior is taking it's place. It comes in many forms-- bouncing her head against the wall, kicking at herself in the rear and what can only be described as a "reverse worm" movement. It's not getting any easier to witness. It is only getting more painful. My heart breaks each time I see it. How, as a mother, can you watch this and not become concerned? I don't think any parent is truly immune to the heart wrenching feeling that comes with watching your 3 year old harm themselves.

So my question to you, my beautiful Princess: How do I protect you from yourself? When I imagined life as a mother; before you were born, still a beautiful life inside me, I imagined all the dangers in this world. I thought out countless scenarios of what could come, and how I would protect you. As an infant, to protect you from SIDS, I would listen to the advice of the experts on sleeping positions, pacifier or no. I would protect you from being cold by keeping you warm and swaddled, room at a comfortable temperature. From illness, I would protect you by keeping an environment that would be free of germs-- Well, as best as I can, as we all know that germs can come from anywhere, and some exposure isn't always a bad thing. I would vaccinate you to protect you from the germs that I would never want you to get.

From the bad guys in the world, I would shield you both physically-- If needed-- and emotionally. I would make sure to show you the wonder in the world as I see it. All while quietly keeping an eye out for the undesirable things and people. I could go on in all the ways I prepared myself to protect you. There was one that I never thought about. I never thought about how I would protect you from yourself.

You see, I never thought autism would be in either of our vocabularies. I never thought that this would be the reality that we live. But it is. With this reality, comes new challenges; New focuses. Now, I'm faced with what to do when you bounce your head against a wall. Do I pad the wall? Do I buy you a helmet? I'm not ready. Do I simply wrap my arms around you and love you through it? Something tells me that while I would love that option, you would feel too confined. I still want you to be independent, after all.

What do I do then? I'm told to try to figure out what sensory experiences you are blocking out or replicating-- Depending on the behavior. Vibrations, movements; these are all things that  could potentially help to curb this type of behavior. I'm not sure which ones you are dealing with. So I will go down the list until I find a solution. No matter what, I will find a way.

So yes, my Princess, if that means I have to buy you a helmet and pad your walls, then you bet your sweet patootie that I will be doing these things. We have a bit before I'm going to do that though, rest assured. I need to make sure that I've gotten to all the other points on the list first. Because I'm not ready to settle at the last resort yet.