Be Careful What You Wish For

Good morning, my Lovelies! Welcome back to my land of chaos. All the ups and downs of living with a Princess with autism. Of living with a non-verbal child. It's a challenge, always having to figure out behaviors and the pitch of the cries to figure out exactly what is needed. You start do daydream after a while, about what it would be like  to have that child say anything. I'm here to tell you to be careful what you wish for.

I used to hear of these defiant days of "No!", of "I'll do it myself!" and everything else that came from the frazzled parents trying to maneuver around these obstacles to ultimately get the obstinate toddler to do whatever it was that he/she was resisting. I would think to myself, "At least you know what they need/want. I'd give anything to hear my Princess say ANY word. I would take a 'No!' in a heartbeat!"

So when I started hearing the word "No," in it's different variations, I really didn't think too much of it. Not more than the usual feeling of it's a new sound that she has discovered, she will over use it until it loses it's attractiveness and move on. I thought it was cute. Key word: thought.

Here's where I figured out it was more than a "passing phrase":

Picture it: Princess is throwing a fit, pounding her heels to the floor.

Me: "I don't care what the problem is, we do not solve it by pounding our heels on the floor! Go lay down!"

Princess: "No!"

Me: (Not quite sinking in yet) "NOW!"

Princess: "No!"

Me: (One more time, slowly sinking in) "I SAID NOW!" (This is where I'm slowly trying to hide my smile)

Princess: "No! No, no, no!"

OK, so now I'm simply trying to suppress my laughter, and my frustration all rolled into one. All I can think is "I'm pissed because she's back talking me. But oh my God, she's back talking me!" You see the conundrum?

It's a very bittersweet feeling, really. We haven't added any new words to our vocabulary yet. But you see, now she's realized we respond to "No," and uses it as a blanket word when she's upset and needs something. Though that is surely fading as well.

So with all of this, I leave you with the very sound (albeit, cliche) advice of "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."

Mostly Cloudy With a Chance of Showers

Hi there, Lovelies. I hope you are all out there enjoying this month of May. Spring time, it can mean many things to many people. For some, it's the start of beautiful weather; for others, it can mean allergy season. Weather wise, spring time can be unpredictable at times. One day, it's sunny and beautiful. The very next, it's a blustery cold, windy and rainy day.

Much like life, really. If you really look at it, life is just a series of ups and downs. Rich wonderfully warm moments of love one moment; cold and windy down turns the next. We keep drudging through the weather, hoping from one moment to the next that we have the proper accessories to tough it out.

From one day to the next, I can never predict how the day is going to go. The certainties are that I will wake up-- God willing-- take care of my children, change diapers, feed them, make sure they're loved, and go to bed. Wake up the next day and repeat. Some days are just pleasant. We all wake up in amazingly good moods, we play throughout the day. We laugh, we smile, we love.

Then there are days that start out like today. My head is throbbing, I'm hungry and tired. Quite frankly, I feel as if I hear a child yell one more time, my head will almost literally explode. I am up to my elbows in dirty diapers, diaper rash, and frankly; a very grumpy Princess. I have been kicked and hit more times than I can count today.

Also, it seems that it makes perfectly logical sense to go after a round toy with your foot by shoving your entire leg underneath the baby gate. Thus starts the cycle again once we are sufficiently frustrated at both the lack of being able to grab said toy and now you're stuck. Now, don't get me wrong. We've had some laughs today too. We've danced a bit, we've played. We've spun around in circles. Overall, it's not been terrible. But it's only noon, and it really can go either way.

I'm sure I'm not alone out there in the parenting world. We all weather out the storms. Wouldn't it be great if there was some kind of a forecast system in place to let you know what kind of day you were in for? Like, today for me the forecast would read: "Partially grumpy with a 70% chance of emotional outbursts."

I sure hope I have an umbrella.

The Inevitable Question

Hello, hello, my Lovelies!  I remember in the days before the Princess was born, I tried to plan to the best of my ability. I would imagine various scenarios, how I'd play them out to their solutions and think to myself, "I hope I do it right."

Then, after she was born, in all of her newborn freshness, I'd wonder if I was doing it right. Silently, I'd hover any time I heard a sound. I would over analyze every cry. Every diaper change, every bath, every mealtime; I'd have a new question. Ultimately, I would simply say to myself, "I hope I'm getting it right."

As the Princess got older, however, my world and thoughts began to shift. I started to notice as her peers were quickly surpassing her in many milestones. One by one, they began to roll, crawl, stand and eventually walk. All the while, the Princess is still content to lay there. Now at first, this was very easy to ease my own nerves with the usual "Every child develops differently," and "She still has time to catch up."

Slowly even that was hard to swallow, as I noticed the gross motor skills weren't the only ones that she was lacking. I watched as other children held their bottle, explored items with their mouths, babbled, started eating solids and eventually moved on to table foods. The Princess wasn't having any of that. As far as holding her own bottle went, she seemed to have the attitude of "Why should I if you're going to hold it for me?" Eating foods was a new battle all together, and I realized quickly she was picky. Always preferring fruits to veggies, though a few sweeter veggies were OK. With each struggle, with each milestone that I'd watch others pass-- And she seemed content where she was-- I'd ask myself a new question: "What am I doing wrong?"

I couldn't fathom that my child was the one and only child on the planet who didn't like chocolate milk. Or why she simply wouldn't even try a new variety of food. Even before then, "What am I doing wrong?" plagued my existence. With the questions from friends and family members pouring in each time we saw them-- And the subsequent advice that almost always followed-- my world was crashing down, and all I could think was, "What am I doing wrong?"

I listened to all the advice. I kept trying new things. I put a brave face on every time I went out. Eventually, I really didn't want to go out much. The questions I'd get from those around me-- While varied in wording,-- rarely ever changed. "Is she holding her bottle yet?"-- That was a "No," until close to a year.-- "Is she sitting up yet?"-- "No," until about her first birthday.-- "Is she crawling?"-- "Nope," Until shortly after her first birthday.

That's where she stalled. For a long time. All the while, that same hauntingly annoying question followed me wherever I went. In the meantime, she became a very adept crawler. She got just about anywhere she wanted to be that way. She was quick too. But pulling herself up to a stand just didn't seem to appeal to her. In fact, she wouldn't pull herself to stand until shortly before her second birthday. Walking was later still, at about two and a half. With each passing day of working with her, wondering what could I possibly be doing wrong?

Trying to get her to eat table foods, well, I still can't. Some days, I wonder if she'll be packing little jars of baby food in her backpack each day well into middle school. I know that's not going to happen, but even I admit I worry.

I now know the "why" we've had all of this difficulty. I know it's not my fault, or something that I did or didn't do. I know it's not her either, or any type of choice that she may have made. It doesn't change the fact that the question still haunts me. That each time I hear "Is she eating table food yet?" makes me feel just a little smaller and smaller each time. I know it's not me. It's just a member of the family that hitched a ride with the Princess. One that came unannounced and shows no signs of packing up and going. His name is Autism, and he likes to make things more difficult for all of us.

Don't worry, we'll work around the little fiend. We'll find a way to show him that he is not who the Princess is, just a part of her. And some day, we will be able to answer the question of "Does she eat table foods?" with a victorious, resounding "Yes!" That will be all the proof I need that we can overcome and work through Autism. It's a fight that I'm willing to fight with my beautiful Princess.