Grateful

Welcome back, Lovelies! I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend! I have had a weekend of reflection, myself. I've been thinking about all of the ups and downs, the back and forth. Being the parent of a child with autism can be one of the most stressful things any mother has ever gone through. You know what? While I wouldn't wish a child with autism to any parent in the world, let alone that any child be diagnosed with it; I'm actually grateful for my Princess with autism.

I know it sounds strange, but there is a reason for this. Yes, autism has become the X-Factor in our household. We wont know how a day is going to go until we hear from Senor Autism. But the fact is, I'm growing weary about seeing some of the fear producing tactics used to justify something is unsafe. Vaccines for instance-- No, this is not a debate. It is only an example.-- have been a culprit for years about the dangers of vaccinating leading to autism. The way it sounds is as if it's the worst thing in the world to have your child diagnosed with autism. I'm here to tell you it isn't always pleasant, but it certainly isn't the worst thing in the world.

You see, with the Princess, you can take any and all affection at face value. If she hugs you, she means to hug you and give you all the love she can give. Her smiles are so genuine you can't help but smile back, because she's truly happy. Her laughter is equally as infectious. When she's upset, sure, the varying levels of what might be wrong can be up for interpretation. The point is that she isn't pretending. Something is very wrong to her.

The other great thing about having the diagnosis for autism is that suddenly, you are not alone. Teaching, training and guiding, all of it you have help with. Since her diagnosis, the Princess has been in specialized preschool. She has teachers who know and love her and will fight for her. She has occupational therapists and speech therapists to help. Yes, I am a stay at home mom which means the child rearing stuff, that's on me. For everything else, I have help. It's wonderful.

I know now, because of her diagnosis that her delays were not something that I was doing wrong. This knowledge and acceptance has benefited me the most. I spent my days leading up to her diagnosis wondering at each and everything what I was doing that wasn't allowing her to hit those basic milestones. Now, I understand that it wasn't me, it was her autism holding her back. Knowing this, I will help her move forward through the murk that is her autism, I will be by her side all the way.

The absolute best part for me? Probably when we went on an outing to a park with many others with children of varying ages. In that park was a gentleman wearing a speedo. Not sure why at the park and not a beach, but to each their own. Every other child there the Princess' age and up-- To a certain point, of course.-- turned to their parents and asked why. Not mine. While all of the other parents there had to come up with answers and explanations for their little ones, my little royals were blissfully ignorant. I was grateful.

Don't get me wrong, if I could turn back time and somehow fix the Princess' autism, I would. In a second. I can't. I can't change what is, I can only accept and move forward. I need to teach my children how to do exactly that, and I will lead by example. These are life lessons I think we can all stand to learn. Even in the darkness of your worst fear coming to life-- In any form, for me it was my child being diagnosed for autism. For you it could be something entirely different.-- if you find something to be grateful for, you have all the light you need to get through it.

Actions Speak Louder

TGIF to all of my Lovelies out there! I hope those that are working aren't working too hard, and to those who get the day off, enjoy! If you're a stay at home mom like me, you're probably just hoping that this gateway day to the weekend goes so easily that it's like it's our weekend already. For me, the Royals are still sleeping-- Apparently, they wanted to sleep in today, I am not going to argue!-- So I'm doing what I can to entertain my time. I don't want to clean after all.

I know by now you all know that the Princess is non-verbal. This is part of who she is right now, and that's just all there is to it. It wont last forever, but for right now, it is a part of our existence. While there are definitely some things I wish she could say, like "Hey, Mommy! I pooped!" That would be a good one. Or maybe, "I love you, Mommy." That would be a GREAT one. It's funny, but you'd think that if she were non-verbal, we'd still be in that phase where Mom and Dad are trying to gauge the pitch of cry to what need. In reality, if you open your eyes too, you'd realize her actions speak far louder than words.

There are some actions that I still don't have answers for. For instance, why she takes off her diaper as frequently as she does, astounds me. If her diaper were always soiled when she did it, I'd say there's your answer. But we will sometimes take off diapers within mere minutes of putting a new one on. For the most part, though, we are starting to interpret most actions. If she stands just outside her bedroom door, she needs something. What that something is, well, your guess can be as good as mine. If she runs up to you, and looks you in the eye, throwing both hands in the air, this could mean one of two things. Either she wants a hug, or wants to be picked up. The only giveaway there is if you do one and she wanted the other. Watch your eardrums, Lovelies. She's gonna blow. Then, there are these beautiful actions that are so incredibly self explanatory, that you'd be crazy to miss.

Picture it: The Princess is standing in the hallway. She's got a toy in each hand. You pick her up and over the baby gate, set her back down and say "Go to your chair." And she's off! You watch as she runs through the kitchen, into the dining room, straight to her chair. Can you guess what this means? I'll give you a hint: She's hungry. As you round the corner with 2 jars of baby food in hand-- Because who could eat just one??-- She giggles and smiles telling you that you've gotten it right.

In those moments are my triumphs. At that moment, I've figured it out. I've taken the impossible and turned it into the possible! In my chaotic world, I often feel like I just fall short. I feel like I'm always two steps behind. That the moment I feel like I've got things figured out, it all comes crashing down around me, and I've got to pick up the pieces again. But then there's these triumphant moments that tell me if I keep plugging along, if I keep picking up the pieces, there will be fewer to pick up next time. And maybe, just maybe, at some point way way far in the future, there wont be any more pieces to pick up.

Free Hugs

Good day, Lovelies! You know those moments in life where everything just seems to be crumbling and the only thing that you know you need to make it all better is a hug? It's the simplest form of human contact and comfort. We crave that closeness, that comfort to the point where the second we get it, all troubles seem to melt away. The Princess has these moments too, they just seem fewer and further between.

We recently went to the King's company picnic. As you know, this requires a lot of planning and preparation. For myself, this also requires sleep. So when 4:30am came around and the Princess was crying and needed to be taken care of, I knew that all I wanted to do was get her settled and get back to bed. Things were going as planned. She had a very wet diaper, so I changed her and got her a new movie. When I went to change her outfit to a dry, warm outfit, I had the most unexpectedly beautiful moment.

As I stood the Princess up to finish zipping up her outfit, suddenly she wrapped her arms and legs around me in the biggest, tightest hug. In that moment, my mind released any inkling of going back to sleep. Instead, I embraced this moment as I hugged her back. I so rarely get these moments to be 'Mom' that I couldn't let go. We sat there for what seemed like 30 minutes-- Really, it could have been an instant, and it would have felt like an eternity.-- until I felt her muscles relax and she slowly let go. From there, I got her a cup of milk and she fell back to sleep. It was too late for me, so I sat on the couch dozing.

Later that day, as we were about to leave, I was working towards getting the Princess into the car, when she did it again. I felt her latch on so tight that a crowbar wouldn't pry her off. She wasn't ready to get into the car yet, she needed her comfort. Again, I lost myself into the moment and hugged her back as tightly as I dared until I felt her release and we got into the car without further incident. The car ride to the picnic, I was in my own little bubble of a utopia from all the hugs I was giving and receiving from my Princess that it didn't fully matter that she was having a fit in the back seat.

When we got to the picnic, things went pretty smoothly. The Princess set to running back and forth at her usual pace. At one point, she really wanted to be held and if she wasn't being held by one of us, she had decided she would get someone to hold her. So she set out, running up to complete strangers to her throwing up her arms in a way that the King and I know means "Hey, they're not carrying me, pick me up!" Instead of picking her up, she received hugs. Many hugs, from just about everyone she encountered. Only once was she successful in getting a random person to pick her up.-- Don't worry, we were with her the entire way.

As we were leaving, and I was about to put her in the car again, she latched on. This time, it didn't last as long before she was ready. On our way home, I reflected on the events in the day thus far. I was wrapped in the warmth of my bubble of hugs and love that I got from the Princess that day. Watching her socialize and get hugs from others was just icing on the cake! Even as she was throwing a bit of a tantrum in the back seat-- She must not like car rides today.-- I was in my own little happy world.

I think she's realized that she can get me to stop pretty much whatever I'm doing by hugging me. She now gives me big hugs whenever I'm trying to lay her down, or put her in her room. While it doesn't change the end result of what I am doing, I am more than happy to stop for a time and welcome her into our own little bubble of free hugs.

Same World, Different Dimensions

Bonjur, Lovelies! In my limited free time, I tend to watch videos online. Mostly things that entertain me, make me think or just give me a laugh. I also watch different videos on autism, people with autism and signs of autism. A lot of them give me hope, they really empower me to empower the Princess. Sometimes they make me cry.

There's one girl whom I follow with autism, who is non verbal but has found a way to get her voice out into the world. She uses her computer to type out her thoughts, and you'd be amazed at what this girl has to say. This lets me know that regardless of if the Princess can yet verbalize to me her emotions, her wants or needs, that they're in there. I really do try to bring myself to the Princess' world as much as I possibly can. Until recently, I thought I was doing a pretty OK job. Turns out, I think I was wrong.

The video that I watched was entitled "Carly's Cafe" and in it, you are Carly-- The girl whom I was speaking about earlier-- sitting with your sister and father in a cafe. You want a coffee, but can't seem to express that very basic want. In turn, you get hot chocolate. The video gets chaotic as your senses go haywire. By the end of this video, I was sobbing. It was my proof that I was not doing a good job of trying to get myself into the Princess' world.-- If you'd like to watch the video, you can do so here.-- That no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't getting it.

Let me give you an example of where I think I go wrong:

The Princess is hungry. She looks to me as she tries to convey this very message. This is how I imagine it goes if we were looking at it from her perspective.

Princess: "I'm Hungry, Mommy."

Me: "What's going on? Do you need a new diaper?"-- Proceed to change diaper.

P: "No, Mommy. I'm hungry."

M: "Hm, well that didn't work. A new movie then."-- Changes movie.

P: "Well thank you, but really Mommy, I'm hungry. Can we eat now?"

M: "Would you like a cup of milk? OK, I'll get you one."

P: "Great thanks, Mommy. At least you're trying."-- Drinks milk, but moments later is finished.

P: "OK, I'm really hungry."

M: "Are you hungry? Let's get you something to eat."

P: "Finally."

How it really came out-- don't worry, I wont go as long this time:

P: *Smile, giggle*

M: "Do you need a new diaper?"

P: *Smile, giggle* a few seconds later, *Scream, kick*

M: "New movie?"

P: *Scream, kick* *Smile, giggle* *Scream, kick*

You get the point. The point is, I try. I do my very best, but still it isn't enough. I wish I could figure out instantaneously what the Princess needs. I'm no mind reader. I can only do my best to interpret each sound, cry or smile. I'm not perfect. I have plenty of room for improvement. I will continue to do my best, to learn more, to improve.

Really, we're not in two different worlds, as I had originally imagined it to be. We're both living in the same world, just different dimensions. We just need to figure out a way to bridge the gap. Together we can. I know I'm trying and I'm sure the Princess is too. We'll just find our middle ground eventually.

Blinders

Lovelies, welcome! I hope that all is well in your prospective worlds. Things are the usual chaotic, stressful bliss around here. When I do get moments to myself, I usually find myself meandering around on the Internet. Reading one article or another. Indulging in my mindless sense of humor, figuring out the latest crafting fad I'd like to try and ever since we received the diagnosis of autism, I devour anything I can learn on the topic. I've found things that I've considered intriguing, and things that I've determined are heart wrenching. I've discovered more about myself, and more about the Princess' world. I've also discovered that there was a period of time that I had blinders on.

Let me explain. The other day, I found a video on the early signs of autism. In it, there were what I can only describe as early intervention meetings, and there were several children in the 14-18 month range. It showed both the children who showed signs of autism, and children who didn't.-- You can find the video here.-- I was floored. I knew when I had started this whole process that the Princess was delayed in many ways, but it never occurred to me that some other behaviors and movements where key signs to the bigger issue.

For instance, hand flapping was absolutely something she'd do. Did I admit, or even seem to notice it? No. If I did, I have to admit that I probably passed it off as she's being silly, or "Kids do the darnedest things." Makes sense if you think about it, but looking back at it, I wonder if I just missed it.  I wonder if some part of me just didn't WANT to see it. I didn't want to see that my daughter could have something-- for lack of a better word for it-- wrong with her. As she got older and less social and imaginative with her play, I figured it was because she simply didn't have many peers around her.

With each new sign, I had an new reason, a new excuse. She's not walking because she's so tall and grew so fast, that it must be awkward. She's not feeding herself because we do it for her, so why bother? She's not talking because we don't give her the opportunity to use her own words. She doesn't pretend play a lot because maybe we're not getting down to her level enough and playing with her. You see where all of this goes, right? We blame ourselves, we blame lack of opportunities, lack of siblings/friends. We stress ourselves out, pull our hair out to figure out what are we doing wrong?

The thing is, we're not doing anything wrong. We have blinders on. Not because we don't love our children. Not because we don't want whats best for them. Quite the contrary, actually. It's because we love them SO MUCH. We are willing to place blame on anything, anything at all if it means that she doesn't have to deal with and overcome so much for the rest of her life. I have honestly thought to myself that if I could just switch places with her, if it could be ME instead of the Princess; just so she could have as much of a normal, easy-going life as possible, I'd do it in a heart beat. I mean it, too. This is how much I love my little girl. I'd trade places with her in a second so that she didn't have to live with a body that  betrays her on a daily basis.

My blinders are off. I see the Princess for who she is. The beautiful little girl who graced me with her presence 3.5 years ago, the brightest little girl I have ever known. With a smile so infectious that I cannot fathom going a single day without seeing it. Since I can't trade places with her, I will do my absolute best to help her in any way I can, to show her that she is and always will be loved. That I will fight for and with her. Always.

The Great Diaper Rebellion

Good morning, Lovelies! Happy Friday! I do sincerely apologize that it's been a while since I've updated. It's been both because I've had a severe case of writer's block and because the Royals have been keeping me incredibly busy. In fact, I've actually been trying to figure out a topic for a couple of days now. Here's a bit about my process.

Let's take yesterday, for example. Yesterday, I was seriously sitting down and thinking what to write about. As I considered my options, equally rejecting them as they came to mind, I started to think about my chore list for the day. "Hm, the kitchen floor really needs cleaning. Maybe I'll do that." Before I could start that task, of course, I have to throw a load of laundry in. Somewhere between sweeping and mopping, the Princess is running around alternating in giggles and cries. I get her a a sippy cup of milk, change her movie and her diaper. As I return to work, out of the corner of my eye, a flash streaks by in the hallway.

Oh dear, the Princess has taken off her diaper. Again. I grab her a new diaper and pants, and continue to my task. I've just finished sweeping the kitchen floor, as the Princess has alternately watched me, her movie and back to me. At this point, the Prince-- Ever the dead to the world sleeper-- is still sleeping in. I fill the sink with what is to become my mop water, and again from the corner of my eye, I see a giggling flash run by. Again? Yep, she's taken off the pants and the diaper. Yet again, I get a new diaper on  her, this time throwing a pair of training undies on over the diaper and then the pants. That should stop it for a while, right?

I sit back down, trying yet again to think of a good post for this blog. The topics fly through my head and get turned down just as quickly. Oh wait, the living room could use a vacuum. OK, that's my next task. What's that I hear? Oh, it's the Prince. He's awake. So I change his diaper and get him his morning bottle. Turn around, and look at that! The Princess has done it again! I don't think I need to tell you how wasteful it is to go through three diapers within a 30 min to 1 hour time frame. But it is. I digress.

After I've gotten her yet another diaper-- This time putting pants on her, as clearly the extra layer did nothing. -- I set out to my task of vacuuming. The Prince is not completely OK with the noise of the vacuum cleaner, and I'd love to know what he thinks this thing is. Some crazy dragon that's growling and wants to get him? I'm not sure, but it's clear from the look on his face-- I can't hear him over the vacuum-- that he is truly unhappy and he's created some sort of scenario where the vacuum is the monster, I'm sure. When the task is done, I have to assure him that everything is OK, and this really only takes a few minutes. He's a Mama's boy after all; so clearly I'm the all powerful, magical Momma in his world and if I say that every thing's alright, he believes me.

It's quiet in the Princess' room, so I walk in to make sure everything is OK there. I step on a blanket. It's wet. And it smells. The Princess is naked-- Really? I mean, how hard is it to keep a diaper on???-- time for a new diaper. Now laundry. I pull all blankets and sheets from the Princess' room, trying desperately to hold my breath as to not smell the fowl odor coming from this pile. Really, I'm trying not even think about WHY they smell.

That's how I spent the rest of my day, really. Doing laundry. I wouldn't have a problem with her going diaperless if she had better control of her bladder/bowels. She doesn't, so I've only found one solution that works to keep the diaper on, and that's to butcher her footie pajamas into a muscle top-footless style of pajama. The zipper keeps it all in, she hasn't figured those out yet. It's summer, however, so I do try not to use this option as much as possible. It's too warm! But alas, I'm thinking my water bill will go up way too exponentially at the rate I'm doing laundry.

Begrudgingly, I put her in these pajamas and it keeps the diaper on. I've now vowed that until the Princess is either potty trained, or she learns to be OK with wearing her diaper, that this is my solution. So I will keep these outfits on her and save myself the laundry. I already have enough of that to do, we are a family of four, after all!

Home Bound

Hola Lovelies! It's July! Summer is in full swing, the temperatures are rising. You can feel the energy levels rise, as we all see more sun.  Every body's got their plans for activities to do to "beat the heat". Except me. You see, we're usually pretty home bound. It's rather tough to get out of the house with one child, let alone two. Add to that, an autistic princess.

You see, the normal things that people do as families, we don't. The King and I have always been more prone to the comfortable night home, in our comfy clothes. All we needed was a good show or movie to watch, and we were set. Little did we realize that it was all in preparation for what's to come. Grocery shopping is almost always done by the King. He's the one who's out with the car at work, so this is just much easier. We don't go to restaurants much because of the fact that the Princess doesn't feed herself, or eat table food, so there's really little point. Quite frankly, because I'm home with the beauties, I'm worn out by the King's days off that I really have no desire at that point to do much of anything. But there's more to it than that. Outings are never a single person job in this household. You always need back-up and an extra hand with the preparations.

The average outing for us require a lot of planning. Planning what outfits the little royals are going to wear, what shoes, which toys to bring, etc. We end up adding a couple of other plans to our array. First, we plan on how things will time out with nap time, as the Prince is still in that stage. The Princess, on the other hand, usually forgoes naps. We plan on when to leave, and what's our latest time we're comfortable with leaving. We usually plan on arriving late. Not because we want to be trendy, or whatever, but because there are many variables that may set us back. We can never guarantee what mood the Princess will be in on any given day. The final two preparations that we set out are the plan of whom to call and what to say to them should we need to back out last minute. That usually consists of "It's just not a great day for the kids." The toughest plan for me is the exit strategy.

The thing is, any and all trips out of the house usually end abruptly. By the princess having a meltdown. Honestly though, the outing was most likely so eventful, that I almost don't mind the quick departure. Let me give you an example of a most recent outing that we experienced.

It was my mother in law's birthday party; and since we don't get to see all of the family much, we had set out to go no matter what. Since it was at a restaurant, we figured the Prince could eat with us. We made sure to feed the Princess before we left to avoid having to bust out a jar of baby food and spoon feed our three year old daughter. Of course, we did pack extra jars just in case. The Princess was in fine form for the car ride down, save for the last 10 minutes, where she screamed bloody murder. Once we got there, we discovered that the birthday party had reserved a room to itself, so that was a bonus for us! The Princess was excited to run back and forth... Back and forth... Over, and over again. Actually, I don't think she really stopped the entire time. The Prince was a little dazed by the sudden outing, as he isn't used to leaving the house, but seemed amiable enough.

About five or ten minutes into being there, the Prince decided he wasn't happy. The King and I took turns either keeping up with the Princess, or walking and trying to soothe the Prince. Finally, we discover crackers, and this keeps the Prince very happy the rest of the outing. The Princess was still getting her energizer bunny on, running back and forth. At some point, orders were being taken-- And I came to the realization that I hadn't even looked at the menu yet!-- I over hear the King ordering, and tell the waitress I'll have the same, with a few minor alterations to my liking. This is of course the one moment that I had the Princess in a seated position on my lap, and the waitress looks to her for a moment. It dawns on me that she is wondering what the Princess might like to eat.

"Oh," I reply to her unspoken question, "She only eats baby food, so she's covered." I'm met with a shocked look and two words "OK, then." She then looks to the Prince with the same unspoken question, and I just let her know that he'll eat off of our plates and if we could get a spare plate that would be great. I never got that extra plate. Oh well.

The food takes a long while to start to arrive; the Prince is still happily munching on crackers, and the Princess is still running back and forth. I see a few family members attempt to keep up with her, but the truth is, she's hard to keep up with. So the King and I continue to switch between royals, mostly because one is sitting, and that's just a little nicer. The Princess needs a diaper change, so the King directs me to the bathroom that has a changing table, upstairs. Funny thing that I should have thought about ahead of time was that the Princess is too big to fit on a changing table, so we changed her diaper with her standing in the middle of the bathroom floor. As I'm coming back down stairs, I realize our food has arrived. The King and Prince are happily eating. Alas, I have the Princess who has resumed her exercise regime.

After the King has completed his meal, he takes over the Princess duty. I sit down and scarf about half of my cheeseburger-- That's what I get for ordering the same as the King.-- all while trying to keep the mess the Prince is making to a minimum, when suddenly the Princess goes into full meltdown mode. The King-- ever diligent to make sure not to disturb other diners-- whisks her out of the room quickly. I assume things are good for a bit, until a few minutes later I receive the text that we need to go, the Princess is just not having any more of this outing.

Thus, my dilemma. Why we are home bound. It's just so much easier to stay home and try to keep the children entertained, than face the big crazy world out there, where we'd only be gone for a few hours at most anyway. I suppose it's not such a bad life. I do enjoy my surroundings, and clearly we were homebodies anyway before we had children. So I will embrace this life. I will enjoy my homebound-ness with a smile on my face. I will go out only when the occasion occurs. I will bask in the glory of the smiles on my children's faces... Until the next meltdown happens, then will somebody please get me out of here??

Just kidding.