Blinders

Lovelies, welcome! I hope that all is well in your prospective worlds. Things are the usual chaotic, stressful bliss around here. When I do get moments to myself, I usually find myself meandering around on the Internet. Reading one article or another. Indulging in my mindless sense of humor, figuring out the latest crafting fad I'd like to try and ever since we received the diagnosis of autism, I devour anything I can learn on the topic. I've found things that I've considered intriguing, and things that I've determined are heart wrenching. I've discovered more about myself, and more about the Princess' world. I've also discovered that there was a period of time that I had blinders on.

Let me explain. The other day, I found a video on the early signs of autism. In it, there were what I can only describe as early intervention meetings, and there were several children in the 14-18 month range. It showed both the children who showed signs of autism, and children who didn't.-- You can find the video here.-- I was floored. I knew when I had started this whole process that the Princess was delayed in many ways, but it never occurred to me that some other behaviors and movements where key signs to the bigger issue.

For instance, hand flapping was absolutely something she'd do. Did I admit, or even seem to notice it? No. If I did, I have to admit that I probably passed it off as she's being silly, or "Kids do the darnedest things." Makes sense if you think about it, but looking back at it, I wonder if I just missed it.  I wonder if some part of me just didn't WANT to see it. I didn't want to see that my daughter could have something-- for lack of a better word for it-- wrong with her. As she got older and less social and imaginative with her play, I figured it was because she simply didn't have many peers around her.

With each new sign, I had an new reason, a new excuse. She's not walking because she's so tall and grew so fast, that it must be awkward. She's not feeding herself because we do it for her, so why bother? She's not talking because we don't give her the opportunity to use her own words. She doesn't pretend play a lot because maybe we're not getting down to her level enough and playing with her. You see where all of this goes, right? We blame ourselves, we blame lack of opportunities, lack of siblings/friends. We stress ourselves out, pull our hair out to figure out what are we doing wrong?

The thing is, we're not doing anything wrong. We have blinders on. Not because we don't love our children. Not because we don't want whats best for them. Quite the contrary, actually. It's because we love them SO MUCH. We are willing to place blame on anything, anything at all if it means that she doesn't have to deal with and overcome so much for the rest of her life. I have honestly thought to myself that if I could just switch places with her, if it could be ME instead of the Princess; just so she could have as much of a normal, easy-going life as possible, I'd do it in a heart beat. I mean it, too. This is how much I love my little girl. I'd trade places with her in a second so that she didn't have to live with a body that  betrays her on a daily basis.

My blinders are off. I see the Princess for who she is. The beautiful little girl who graced me with her presence 3.5 years ago, the brightest little girl I have ever known. With a smile so infectious that I cannot fathom going a single day without seeing it. Since I can't trade places with her, I will do my absolute best to help her in any way I can, to show her that she is and always will be loved. That I will fight for and with her. Always.