The Great Diaper Rebellion

Good morning, Lovelies! Happy Friday! I do sincerely apologize that it's been a while since I've updated. It's been both because I've had a severe case of writer's block and because the Royals have been keeping me incredibly busy. In fact, I've actually been trying to figure out a topic for a couple of days now. Here's a bit about my process.

Let's take yesterday, for example. Yesterday, I was seriously sitting down and thinking what to write about. As I considered my options, equally rejecting them as they came to mind, I started to think about my chore list for the day. "Hm, the kitchen floor really needs cleaning. Maybe I'll do that." Before I could start that task, of course, I have to throw a load of laundry in. Somewhere between sweeping and mopping, the Princess is running around alternating in giggles and cries. I get her a a sippy cup of milk, change her movie and her diaper. As I return to work, out of the corner of my eye, a flash streaks by in the hallway.

Oh dear, the Princess has taken off her diaper. Again. I grab her a new diaper and pants, and continue to my task. I've just finished sweeping the kitchen floor, as the Princess has alternately watched me, her movie and back to me. At this point, the Prince-- Ever the dead to the world sleeper-- is still sleeping in. I fill the sink with what is to become my mop water, and again from the corner of my eye, I see a giggling flash run by. Again? Yep, she's taken off the pants and the diaper. Yet again, I get a new diaper on  her, this time throwing a pair of training undies on over the diaper and then the pants. That should stop it for a while, right?

I sit back down, trying yet again to think of a good post for this blog. The topics fly through my head and get turned down just as quickly. Oh wait, the living room could use a vacuum. OK, that's my next task. What's that I hear? Oh, it's the Prince. He's awake. So I change his diaper and get him his morning bottle. Turn around, and look at that! The Princess has done it again! I don't think I need to tell you how wasteful it is to go through three diapers within a 30 min to 1 hour time frame. But it is. I digress.

After I've gotten her yet another diaper-- This time putting pants on her, as clearly the extra layer did nothing. -- I set out to my task of vacuuming. The Prince is not completely OK with the noise of the vacuum cleaner, and I'd love to know what he thinks this thing is. Some crazy dragon that's growling and wants to get him? I'm not sure, but it's clear from the look on his face-- I can't hear him over the vacuum-- that he is truly unhappy and he's created some sort of scenario where the vacuum is the monster, I'm sure. When the task is done, I have to assure him that everything is OK, and this really only takes a few minutes. He's a Mama's boy after all; so clearly I'm the all powerful, magical Momma in his world and if I say that every thing's alright, he believes me.

It's quiet in the Princess' room, so I walk in to make sure everything is OK there. I step on a blanket. It's wet. And it smells. The Princess is naked-- Really? I mean, how hard is it to keep a diaper on???-- time for a new diaper. Now laundry. I pull all blankets and sheets from the Princess' room, trying desperately to hold my breath as to not smell the fowl odor coming from this pile. Really, I'm trying not even think about WHY they smell.

That's how I spent the rest of my day, really. Doing laundry. I wouldn't have a problem with her going diaperless if she had better control of her bladder/bowels. She doesn't, so I've only found one solution that works to keep the diaper on, and that's to butcher her footie pajamas into a muscle top-footless style of pajama. The zipper keeps it all in, she hasn't figured those out yet. It's summer, however, so I do try not to use this option as much as possible. It's too warm! But alas, I'm thinking my water bill will go up way too exponentially at the rate I'm doing laundry.

Begrudgingly, I put her in these pajamas and it keeps the diaper on. I've now vowed that until the Princess is either potty trained, or she learns to be OK with wearing her diaper, that this is my solution. So I will keep these outfits on her and save myself the laundry. I already have enough of that to do, we are a family of four, after all!

Home Bound

Hola Lovelies! It's July! Summer is in full swing, the temperatures are rising. You can feel the energy levels rise, as we all see more sun.  Every body's got their plans for activities to do to "beat the heat". Except me. You see, we're usually pretty home bound. It's rather tough to get out of the house with one child, let alone two. Add to that, an autistic princess.

You see, the normal things that people do as families, we don't. The King and I have always been more prone to the comfortable night home, in our comfy clothes. All we needed was a good show or movie to watch, and we were set. Little did we realize that it was all in preparation for what's to come. Grocery shopping is almost always done by the King. He's the one who's out with the car at work, so this is just much easier. We don't go to restaurants much because of the fact that the Princess doesn't feed herself, or eat table food, so there's really little point. Quite frankly, because I'm home with the beauties, I'm worn out by the King's days off that I really have no desire at that point to do much of anything. But there's more to it than that. Outings are never a single person job in this household. You always need back-up and an extra hand with the preparations.

The average outing for us require a lot of planning. Planning what outfits the little royals are going to wear, what shoes, which toys to bring, etc. We end up adding a couple of other plans to our array. First, we plan on how things will time out with nap time, as the Prince is still in that stage. The Princess, on the other hand, usually forgoes naps. We plan on when to leave, and what's our latest time we're comfortable with leaving. We usually plan on arriving late. Not because we want to be trendy, or whatever, but because there are many variables that may set us back. We can never guarantee what mood the Princess will be in on any given day. The final two preparations that we set out are the plan of whom to call and what to say to them should we need to back out last minute. That usually consists of "It's just not a great day for the kids." The toughest plan for me is the exit strategy.

The thing is, any and all trips out of the house usually end abruptly. By the princess having a meltdown. Honestly though, the outing was most likely so eventful, that I almost don't mind the quick departure. Let me give you an example of a most recent outing that we experienced.

It was my mother in law's birthday party; and since we don't get to see all of the family much, we had set out to go no matter what. Since it was at a restaurant, we figured the Prince could eat with us. We made sure to feed the Princess before we left to avoid having to bust out a jar of baby food and spoon feed our three year old daughter. Of course, we did pack extra jars just in case. The Princess was in fine form for the car ride down, save for the last 10 minutes, where she screamed bloody murder. Once we got there, we discovered that the birthday party had reserved a room to itself, so that was a bonus for us! The Princess was excited to run back and forth... Back and forth... Over, and over again. Actually, I don't think she really stopped the entire time. The Prince was a little dazed by the sudden outing, as he isn't used to leaving the house, but seemed amiable enough.

About five or ten minutes into being there, the Prince decided he wasn't happy. The King and I took turns either keeping up with the Princess, or walking and trying to soothe the Prince. Finally, we discover crackers, and this keeps the Prince very happy the rest of the outing. The Princess was still getting her energizer bunny on, running back and forth. At some point, orders were being taken-- And I came to the realization that I hadn't even looked at the menu yet!-- I over hear the King ordering, and tell the waitress I'll have the same, with a few minor alterations to my liking. This is of course the one moment that I had the Princess in a seated position on my lap, and the waitress looks to her for a moment. It dawns on me that she is wondering what the Princess might like to eat.

"Oh," I reply to her unspoken question, "She only eats baby food, so she's covered." I'm met with a shocked look and two words "OK, then." She then looks to the Prince with the same unspoken question, and I just let her know that he'll eat off of our plates and if we could get a spare plate that would be great. I never got that extra plate. Oh well.

The food takes a long while to start to arrive; the Prince is still happily munching on crackers, and the Princess is still running back and forth. I see a few family members attempt to keep up with her, but the truth is, she's hard to keep up with. So the King and I continue to switch between royals, mostly because one is sitting, and that's just a little nicer. The Princess needs a diaper change, so the King directs me to the bathroom that has a changing table, upstairs. Funny thing that I should have thought about ahead of time was that the Princess is too big to fit on a changing table, so we changed her diaper with her standing in the middle of the bathroom floor. As I'm coming back down stairs, I realize our food has arrived. The King and Prince are happily eating. Alas, I have the Princess who has resumed her exercise regime.

After the King has completed his meal, he takes over the Princess duty. I sit down and scarf about half of my cheeseburger-- That's what I get for ordering the same as the King.-- all while trying to keep the mess the Prince is making to a minimum, when suddenly the Princess goes into full meltdown mode. The King-- ever diligent to make sure not to disturb other diners-- whisks her out of the room quickly. I assume things are good for a bit, until a few minutes later I receive the text that we need to go, the Princess is just not having any more of this outing.

Thus, my dilemma. Why we are home bound. It's just so much easier to stay home and try to keep the children entertained, than face the big crazy world out there, where we'd only be gone for a few hours at most anyway. I suppose it's not such a bad life. I do enjoy my surroundings, and clearly we were homebodies anyway before we had children. So I will embrace this life. I will enjoy my homebound-ness with a smile on my face. I will go out only when the occasion occurs. I will bask in the glory of the smiles on my children's faces... Until the next meltdown happens, then will somebody please get me out of here??

Just kidding.

I'd Judge Me Too

Hello, Lovelies! As parents, I think it's almost standard to be at least a little judgemental. I mean, if you think about it, there are so many "Great Parenting Debate" topics out there. There's breast vs. bottle/formula feeding, cloth vs. disposable diapers, car seat debates, circumcision and so much more. We spend the days leading up to the birth of our new pride and joy pouring over all of the reading material we get our hands on. We vow to ourselves that we will follow the expert advice to the letter. We imagine everything to perfection. The reality is, there is no such thing as perfect.

In the months leading up to the Princess' birth, I wont say I read all of the books; that would be a lie. I did, however read every internet article that I could get my computer to reach. I tended to stay away from the articles about disabilities, birth defects and other issues. I couldn't imagine that possibly happening to my child. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that almost 2.5 years after I would give birth the the most beautiful little girl that I had ever laid my eyes on, would I hear the words "She falls onto the spectrum. She is autistic." So here it is: All of the things that I would have judged other parents for, and as a childless individual, I would have judged myself.

Television: 
I swore to myself that there would be absolutely no TV watching, aside from maybe an hour a day. That was quickly squelched when the King decided he wanted to help the Princess transition to her room and bed, so he put a TV in her room with lots of movies. I went with it. It helped. She went from screaming for hours to calm and content, and would happily chew on her pacifier and slowly fall asleep. She'd sleep through the night, and it was wonderful.

Dental Hygiene:
I suppose hygiene is really one category, but I have a couple to add here. So I decided to break it up to the specifics. I promised myself that we would get teeth brushing down to a science. Twice a day, keep those pearly whites nice and shiny! Unfortunately, the Princess has a real "hot zone" around her face and head. This means anything that comes at her face/mouth that she hasn't explicitly approved of only produces tears, ear drum bursting-- Mine-- and a tightly sealed closed mouth. If that doesn't get you to stop, then will come the hitting, of herself or you, whichever might be closer. Maybe both.

Hair brushing/washing:
Obviously, most kids have issues with their hair being brushed and tangled. I think that's one common complaint I've heard from many mothers that I can truly relate to. The Princess hates water on her face-- see the hot zone issue I was talking about?-- and absolutely passionately detests brushing and washing of her hair. The tears and screams come to such a rate that you'd think that we were pulling out her hair strand by strand. We're not. There's also a dead weight thing that she does, where at not quite 4 years old, she feels like she's well over 100 lbs. On the super rare occasion, she'll allow me to do her hair. When she does she gets the cutest styles I can possibly create. OK, so pig tails it is. Otherwise, messy ponytail or bun will suffice.

Eating:
This one is a biggie for me. I knew from the get go that I wanted my baby girl to have a much more balanced and healthier diet than I've ever had. When it came time to start to feed her solids, she fought hard. The Prince, as I discovered later was very much similar, with the exception that he moved on quickly and will now eat anything and everything we put in front of him. Once we finally got her eating the delicious looking puree, it seems that she never wanted to move forward. We got her to eat stage 3 foods, but that is where she plateaued. She will eat two jars at a time now, of stage 3 foods-- Only fruits with the occasional yogurt-- and eat 6-8 jars a day. Yes, I do still have to feed her, as she does not feed herself. I'm hoping that this will somehow be squelched by high school, but we'll see. We call her our fruititarian, but back to the dental hygiene, this does not help with the appearance of her teeth.

Those would be the main categories, but there is so much more to it. She's still in side by side play mode-- which works for the Prince, though he's wanting more interaction these days-- she wont make eye contact with anyone who isn't her family, or those she has come to see as family. Sometimes she gets the strangest habits, such as licking walls and windows. These are all things that as a childless woman, I would have judged. OK, so I'll even admit that if I didn't have an autistic princess that I might still judge these behaviors. We judge what we don't understand, after all.

I guess the moral of all of this is that as parents, we need to stand strong together and not judge each other. Well, as much as possible anyways. You don't know what the other parent is going through. Autism is a neurological disorder that you can't see with your eyes. You may not know that this child/person is autistic, and you may judge their behaviors. Until you walk in another's shoes, you wont truly know what struggles each individual has faced.

How Do I Protect You From Yourself

Hi Lovelies! I know, I know. It's been a while. Have you missed me? Because I've missed you. Anyways, lately we've been doing better with our sleeping issues and some of the upsetting behavior has started to diminish. As the dust clears from all of these things, there is one thing that troubles me.

It's the self injurious behavior. While the other tantrum throwing behavior is lessening-- The heel pounding, the closet door slamming-- this other behavior is taking it's place. It comes in many forms-- bouncing her head against the wall, kicking at herself in the rear and what can only be described as a "reverse worm" movement. It's not getting any easier to witness. It is only getting more painful. My heart breaks each time I see it. How, as a mother, can you watch this and not become concerned? I don't think any parent is truly immune to the heart wrenching feeling that comes with watching your 3 year old harm themselves.

So my question to you, my beautiful Princess: How do I protect you from yourself? When I imagined life as a mother; before you were born, still a beautiful life inside me, I imagined all the dangers in this world. I thought out countless scenarios of what could come, and how I would protect you. As an infant, to protect you from SIDS, I would listen to the advice of the experts on sleeping positions, pacifier or no. I would protect you from being cold by keeping you warm and swaddled, room at a comfortable temperature. From illness, I would protect you by keeping an environment that would be free of germs-- Well, as best as I can, as we all know that germs can come from anywhere, and some exposure isn't always a bad thing. I would vaccinate you to protect you from the germs that I would never want you to get.

From the bad guys in the world, I would shield you both physically-- If needed-- and emotionally. I would make sure to show you the wonder in the world as I see it. All while quietly keeping an eye out for the undesirable things and people. I could go on in all the ways I prepared myself to protect you. There was one that I never thought about. I never thought about how I would protect you from yourself.

You see, I never thought autism would be in either of our vocabularies. I never thought that this would be the reality that we live. But it is. With this reality, comes new challenges; New focuses. Now, I'm faced with what to do when you bounce your head against a wall. Do I pad the wall? Do I buy you a helmet? I'm not ready. Do I simply wrap my arms around you and love you through it? Something tells me that while I would love that option, you would feel too confined. I still want you to be independent, after all.

What do I do then? I'm told to try to figure out what sensory experiences you are blocking out or replicating-- Depending on the behavior. Vibrations, movements; these are all things that  could potentially help to curb this type of behavior. I'm not sure which ones you are dealing with. So I will go down the list until I find a solution. No matter what, I will find a way.

So yes, my Princess, if that means I have to buy you a helmet and pad your walls, then you bet your sweet patootie that I will be doing these things. We have a bit before I'm going to do that though, rest assured. I need to make sure that I've gotten to all the other points on the list first. Because I'm not ready to settle at the last resort yet.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Good morning, my Lovelies! Welcome back to my land of chaos. All the ups and downs of living with a Princess with autism. Of living with a non-verbal child. It's a challenge, always having to figure out behaviors and the pitch of the cries to figure out exactly what is needed. You start do daydream after a while, about what it would be like  to have that child say anything. I'm here to tell you to be careful what you wish for.

I used to hear of these defiant days of "No!", of "I'll do it myself!" and everything else that came from the frazzled parents trying to maneuver around these obstacles to ultimately get the obstinate toddler to do whatever it was that he/she was resisting. I would think to myself, "At least you know what they need/want. I'd give anything to hear my Princess say ANY word. I would take a 'No!' in a heartbeat!"

So when I started hearing the word "No," in it's different variations, I really didn't think too much of it. Not more than the usual feeling of it's a new sound that she has discovered, she will over use it until it loses it's attractiveness and move on. I thought it was cute. Key word: thought.

Here's where I figured out it was more than a "passing phrase":

Picture it: Princess is throwing a fit, pounding her heels to the floor.

Me: "I don't care what the problem is, we do not solve it by pounding our heels on the floor! Go lay down!"

Princess: "No!"

Me: (Not quite sinking in yet) "NOW!"

Princess: "No!"

Me: (One more time, slowly sinking in) "I SAID NOW!" (This is where I'm slowly trying to hide my smile)

Princess: "No! No, no, no!"

OK, so now I'm simply trying to suppress my laughter, and my frustration all rolled into one. All I can think is "I'm pissed because she's back talking me. But oh my God, she's back talking me!" You see the conundrum?

It's a very bittersweet feeling, really. We haven't added any new words to our vocabulary yet. But you see, now she's realized we respond to "No," and uses it as a blanket word when she's upset and needs something. Though that is surely fading as well.

So with all of this, I leave you with the very sound (albeit, cliche) advice of "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."

Mostly Cloudy With a Chance of Showers

Hi there, Lovelies. I hope you are all out there enjoying this month of May. Spring time, it can mean many things to many people. For some, it's the start of beautiful weather; for others, it can mean allergy season. Weather wise, spring time can be unpredictable at times. One day, it's sunny and beautiful. The very next, it's a blustery cold, windy and rainy day.

Much like life, really. If you really look at it, life is just a series of ups and downs. Rich wonderfully warm moments of love one moment; cold and windy down turns the next. We keep drudging through the weather, hoping from one moment to the next that we have the proper accessories to tough it out.

From one day to the next, I can never predict how the day is going to go. The certainties are that I will wake up-- God willing-- take care of my children, change diapers, feed them, make sure they're loved, and go to bed. Wake up the next day and repeat. Some days are just pleasant. We all wake up in amazingly good moods, we play throughout the day. We laugh, we smile, we love.

Then there are days that start out like today. My head is throbbing, I'm hungry and tired. Quite frankly, I feel as if I hear a child yell one more time, my head will almost literally explode. I am up to my elbows in dirty diapers, diaper rash, and frankly; a very grumpy Princess. I have been kicked and hit more times than I can count today.

Also, it seems that it makes perfectly logical sense to go after a round toy with your foot by shoving your entire leg underneath the baby gate. Thus starts the cycle again once we are sufficiently frustrated at both the lack of being able to grab said toy and now you're stuck. Now, don't get me wrong. We've had some laughs today too. We've danced a bit, we've played. We've spun around in circles. Overall, it's not been terrible. But it's only noon, and it really can go either way.

I'm sure I'm not alone out there in the parenting world. We all weather out the storms. Wouldn't it be great if there was some kind of a forecast system in place to let you know what kind of day you were in for? Like, today for me the forecast would read: "Partially grumpy with a 70% chance of emotional outbursts."

I sure hope I have an umbrella.

The Inevitable Question

Hello, hello, my Lovelies!  I remember in the days before the Princess was born, I tried to plan to the best of my ability. I would imagine various scenarios, how I'd play them out to their solutions and think to myself, "I hope I do it right."

Then, after she was born, in all of her newborn freshness, I'd wonder if I was doing it right. Silently, I'd hover any time I heard a sound. I would over analyze every cry. Every diaper change, every bath, every mealtime; I'd have a new question. Ultimately, I would simply say to myself, "I hope I'm getting it right."

As the Princess got older, however, my world and thoughts began to shift. I started to notice as her peers were quickly surpassing her in many milestones. One by one, they began to roll, crawl, stand and eventually walk. All the while, the Princess is still content to lay there. Now at first, this was very easy to ease my own nerves with the usual "Every child develops differently," and "She still has time to catch up."

Slowly even that was hard to swallow, as I noticed the gross motor skills weren't the only ones that she was lacking. I watched as other children held their bottle, explored items with their mouths, babbled, started eating solids and eventually moved on to table foods. The Princess wasn't having any of that. As far as holding her own bottle went, she seemed to have the attitude of "Why should I if you're going to hold it for me?" Eating foods was a new battle all together, and I realized quickly she was picky. Always preferring fruits to veggies, though a few sweeter veggies were OK. With each struggle, with each milestone that I'd watch others pass-- And she seemed content where she was-- I'd ask myself a new question: "What am I doing wrong?"

I couldn't fathom that my child was the one and only child on the planet who didn't like chocolate milk. Or why she simply wouldn't even try a new variety of food. Even before then, "What am I doing wrong?" plagued my existence. With the questions from friends and family members pouring in each time we saw them-- And the subsequent advice that almost always followed-- my world was crashing down, and all I could think was, "What am I doing wrong?"

I listened to all the advice. I kept trying new things. I put a brave face on every time I went out. Eventually, I really didn't want to go out much. The questions I'd get from those around me-- While varied in wording,-- rarely ever changed. "Is she holding her bottle yet?"-- That was a "No," until close to a year.-- "Is she sitting up yet?"-- "No," until about her first birthday.-- "Is she crawling?"-- "Nope," Until shortly after her first birthday.

That's where she stalled. For a long time. All the while, that same hauntingly annoying question followed me wherever I went. In the meantime, she became a very adept crawler. She got just about anywhere she wanted to be that way. She was quick too. But pulling herself up to a stand just didn't seem to appeal to her. In fact, she wouldn't pull herself to stand until shortly before her second birthday. Walking was later still, at about two and a half. With each passing day of working with her, wondering what could I possibly be doing wrong?

Trying to get her to eat table foods, well, I still can't. Some days, I wonder if she'll be packing little jars of baby food in her backpack each day well into middle school. I know that's not going to happen, but even I admit I worry.

I now know the "why" we've had all of this difficulty. I know it's not my fault, or something that I did or didn't do. I know it's not her either, or any type of choice that she may have made. It doesn't change the fact that the question still haunts me. That each time I hear "Is she eating table food yet?" makes me feel just a little smaller and smaller each time. I know it's not me. It's just a member of the family that hitched a ride with the Princess. One that came unannounced and shows no signs of packing up and going. His name is Autism, and he likes to make things more difficult for all of us.

Don't worry, we'll work around the little fiend. We'll find a way to show him that he is not who the Princess is, just a part of her. And some day, we will be able to answer the question of "Does she eat table foods?" with a victorious, resounding "Yes!" That will be all the proof I need that we can overcome and work through Autism. It's a fight that I'm willing to fight with my beautiful Princess.